Lab Notes, Week 1: The Missing Cactus

These notes were written by someone at the lab where they test shampoo on Bara. For one week, the week before Bara was taken back, this observer watched Bara at home. They wrote everything down very carefully and understood almost none of it. You'll understand more. If you haven't met Capy and Bara yet, this is the week that ends in their story, Nothing to Fix.

Day 1

Field observation of Subject B-02 begins. Capybara, female. Reason for the study: the subject does not sit still. Today she woke up with three ideas before breakfast and carried out all three. The subject still wears tag 02 on her ear. She polishes it with a paw every time she passes a puddle. She appears to believe it is a prize. Note: check with the department whether anyone told her it was a prize.

Day 2

The subject visits a second capybara, hereafter Subject Capy. Subject Capy is large, calm and in no hurry whatsoever. B-02 tells her a joke about a duck. Subject Capy does not laugh. B-02 runs off, satisfied. Then comes back. Then runs off again. Subject Capy does not leave her front step all day. Purpose of the visit: unknown.

Day 3

Incident at the lab: Specimen 01 is missing. Specimen 01 is the cactus from the "spineless cactus" project. It came out bald, with spikes on one branch only, and that branch grows little red apples. The project had set it aside in a corner. Nobody knows how it left the building. In unrelated news: B-02 came home carrying a flowerpot under a cloth and hid it behind a step.

Day 4

B-02 spent the entire day with the hidden flowerpot. She glued spikes onto it with extra-strong glue. They fell off. She picked off the little apples. New ones grew back before dinner. She tried water, a lot of water. The observer notes that too much water is bad for a cactus. B-02 did not take notes. She said, several times, "I can fix that." She did not fix it.

Day 5

Subject Capy did something unexpected: she cut out a piece of paper, wrote a number on it in crayon and hung it from her ear. The number does not belong to any study. When B-02 saw it, she jumped three times in a row, a record for the week. Neither subject explained anything. The observer checked the protocol. There is no box for this.

Day 6

Last day before B-02 returns to the lab. Activity extremely high: one joke, one fort built from two chairs and a sheet, one calendar started and abandoned, one ball, one deck of cards, one dinosaur that makes noise. Subject Capy responded to none of it. At sunset, B-02 sat down beside her on the step and stopped moving for the first time since the study began. Duration of stillness: hours. Cause: unknown.

Day 7

B-02 left early for the lab. She smells of strawberries from the doorway. Subject Capy stayed on the step. Final finding: Specimen 01 has been located. It is on Subject Capy's head, and she will not take it off. It now has a name: Pincho. The observer had the impression that Pincho was smiling, but cactuses don't smile, so this was not recorded. Recommendation: return Specimen 01 to the lab. Recommendation withdrawn by the observer, for no scientific reason.

End of the week

The report's conclusion: Subject B-02 does not sit still, except next to Subject Capy. More data is needed.

You already know what the scientist doesn't: there was nothing to fix. A friendship like a cactus: it doesn't need watering every day.

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